placeholder entry #78

u know that classic christmas tune....ill have a blueeee eraaaaa without uuuuuu

last day, last entry and imsitting here emptyof anything to write. i wrote a lot in this list this year didnt i really just completely gave up on restrictingmyself or trying 2 come across as anything in particular. imean this is a very selfish list inherently bc of that. it is a list about me and me thinking about myself and thinking about my thoughts about myself and so forth and any thoughts appearing regarding other people ifeel have been pretty shallow.its always just about me.i shouldnt feel bad bc thisis my list and my practice and it worked for me and everything butalso i sometimes wish it didnt have to be like this. i already understand myself. is that ridiculous to say? i really feel that way sometimes likeive already gotten to the bottomof mypersonality and my Issues and looked right atthem and now reflecting feels hollow and likea kind of selfsoothing ritual. before i can have anything new to reflect i willneed 2 change and i will need to stop constantly reflecting todo that. hasnt been my intention but im increasingly aware of just how many stories i tell myself all the time about everything that happens to me andhowmuch these stories motivate me u know.regardless of if the story is trueor useful itfeels like it sucks my agency andmoreso my senseof wonder and noveltyaway and replaces itwith.checklists and checkpoints and landmarks and flags.its a constant struggleagainst the tendency.im really trying and i know i could be trying harder and imgoing to push myself next year i swear it. love u still (in both senses)

see u on the other side

scrapped july entry: "am breaking the pattern. normally i update this list closer to the months end and update music you should hear at this time but im switching it around. i think it because ive gotten weirdly dependent on this process of writing these entries. i think abt it alot. to be honest i have been despairing sm lately and everytime im in it i start composing entries here in my head and thinking ofthe ways i could describe the feelings in a simultaneously vaguenondescript and wordy way. but its good that i have this month-to-month restriction becauseotherwise id be overwhelmed with regret at all times. what have i thought of prior? i thought of describing myself as a shepard tone. i thought about a good way to verbositize "i do not understand what is happening" but couldnt find any. ithought abt talking about how u can tell it has been a bad month from the much higher concentration of jungle onthis list relative to other genres since seeking out and listening 2 new jungle is completely reflexive uatomatic for me. (think i alreaduhave talked abt that tho). i thought about maybe just having this list entry be like one sentence or a short phrase just to indicate exhaustion. i am exhausted .

im flying home tomorrow from nyc. currently i am staying in the home of a friend of my mothers on long island who ive probably mentioned before. triphas been really hard first of all because this is literally the hottest week of the year here has been 95+ every day and im sosososo not used to this weather and its so profoundly uncomfortable and makes doing everything so hard my whole body is just in pain from it and from the walking. other than that it is my sister. primary reason for the trip is visiting her and she has been just relentlessly cruel and cold toward my mother and i. it weighs on us both.its hard to describe exactly but she is almost completely devoid of warmth or interest inthings or desireto converse or anything when we r around. she walks like 30 feet infront of us when we were walking around like literally running away fromus.she ignores me ocmpletely each time thistrip weve met up and i say hello or smile at her. think i have not seen her smile at me a single time thistrip.answers every question with either pretending she did not hear or single word spoken in mutter.it justreally really hurts me . we used 2 be very close but whenshe entered high school it was justlike i started annoying her or something justthe way that i am.way that i talk.sheoften makes exasperated faces and goes "OK laurel...." when i start speakingmore passioantely or quickly abt sm i care about.mocks my use of longer words.whole thing is just rly sad and when i leave here i probably wont see her again for another 6 months at least andjust.im afraid we willend up not evenfriendly toward each other.i dont want to harbor all this resentment and hurt bcitwill fester and she is mysister and i love her and i wantto heal but wheneveri try 2 express the way that she hurts me 2 her she freaks out.cries.feels im accusing her. makes me comfort her.nothing changes or things get actively worse.just dontknow what 2 do

thats one thing. thers other things. feeling harder and harder toovercome my guilt . feel responsible for everything. wish i was reading more i dont know why its gotten so hard again. how am i ever going to survive another entire school year feeling like this!!!!!!!!!! its dreadinspiring. another thing i jsut remmebered i had considered writing while previously despairing is that i feel moreand more like i have a verymathematicians mind for things which makessense bc i have loved it for solong and justbc of that my instinct is always 2 look at disparate constructs and ask how they be made to "make sense" in conjunction with one another ; concerned with the ability 2 "convince myself" of things. am feeling more and more ashamedof this tendency in myself. whycan i not simply be free. feeling old old and dumb anxieites about overall living in a duller greyerworld than others bc of how i havebuilt myself . i want 2 change . everytime i think ive foundthe way to change things become more and more the same.

fucking whatever didnt want to just vent in this but here we are. pathetic. let me out of here!!!!!!! its so hot i cant think. sob

i had one really big acid trip in my life the rest were in comparison deeply mild. and from thattrip emerged a lot of important stuff but what i oftendont think about or rlyconsider when considering that expereince is just. the vast majority of that experience timewise was spent having (imagined) conversations with mytwo closest friends that were intense and just. rly complex pain. it was awful awful experience mostof the time. ifelt i had connceted so closely to them that my thoughts were being read in real time and they were composing the most incredible worksof art in real time with those thoughts and the sounds i was making and things i was saying out loud.ultimately tho the problem was the intrusion of thefact of my aloneness in the room . just so overwhelming.so alone and so intertwined at the same time . but not confused emotionally it was not a mix it was just despair. despair mixed w relief is justdespair. i collapsed into a white ring of light rapidly feeding into itselfas an ouroborous that was my consciousness, trapped in thepresent moment,only able tosend messages to mypastselves as thoughts but ultimately finally on my own. and the problem is TIME. that was a phrase that echoed constantly throughout. the problem is TIME (all capitals); you cannot escape this feeling or this moment, you cannot describe reality with even a remote degree of accuracy, because of TIME. that was alot of it.all of the other things i feltdurign that trip i felt could be linked 2 specific events that happened during it or to specific feeligns i had had before the trip.but in this case genuinely i didnot understand this feeling orits genesis inthetrip for a long time maybe not even untilthis moment.probably cant actually even articulate exactly what the realisation is. it is notan unfamiliar feeling bythis point i suppose or atleast not an unfamiliar translation of a feeling.i suppose one interpretation of this is thati really actually hurt myself on that trip psychically.that is probably not it but idont know what else to pin it to besides premonition.and rly actually i can easily convince myself of the fact that it is good to have had the feeling brought to my attention in some way or another. anyway do not do psychedelics by yourself if u r able.

completely filled w remorse but is too late 4 anything . sister just sat down opposite me on the couch . still not looking at me . hope everyone goes to bed soon so i can go out and smoke ."

(jul 24 2022)

dec 30

placeholder entry #69

myneck is painful rn but shockingly i didnt wake up w it like normal it happened over the course of the day.........i wish it would fucking go away though oh my god its so annoying and its not even helpful at all either i dont thihk it should get that pass that pain always does like im like u know pain actually sucks and i wish it would stop and all these BIOLOGISTS are like oh well like what if u put ur hand on a hot stove and u didnt even know and then u lsoe ur hand like ok why would i put my hand on a hot stove dumbass. think for half a second

placeholder entry #68

only cereal today oops :)

know what im doing rn?? im sitting staring at the reflection of the winow behind me in my laptop screen which is sitting onmy lap and im watching it rhythmically shiver from my heartbeat. have u ever heard your heartbeat? i suppose i havesometimes when forwhatever reason great exertion etc it poundsin my temples my ears as though blunt force less so the gentle rushing.but my mother says a keypart of meditation is to payattention to your heartbeat, andtry to hear it not from exertion but from stillness like once oneis alltheway relaxed andones attention is focused carefully the sound simply reveals itself. "rolls in ecstasy at your feet." do u know i recently found while listening to "navigation of loplop" by stanlow crickets an extremely sampleable track from an album designed of informational recordings aboutthe nature of sound and human hearing that says in that documentary ass voice "one of nature's greatest wonders is the ability of the human ear to distinguish among the millions of sounds around us. listen." its a perfect sample seriously but also i meanisnt it so true? sounds so many pressure fronts and so many of them seriously where does the distinction even begin. "now let's investigate where sound comes from. every sound comes from a vibrating body. take for instance, a drum--" the most sampleable. i cant hear my heart beat honestly but sometimes i feel it more and sometiems ifeel it less and sometimes i feel it sosomuch its worrying i mean im sure some of you havethis like when allof the sudden u suddenly become aware your heart is beating really like. hard. not fast or irregularly but just intense like heavier or maybe allof you dont have this and actually i have a heart issue so maybe i can be diagnosed here . i bet this happens 2 u tho and imdeciding to proceed fromthat basis. but i do have paranoia. sincei was a kid rly its like whenever an unexpected pain inthe abdomen i get convinved my appendix hasburst andill need 2 have surgery and so forth whenin actuality itis because ieat unhealthilyand also i used 2 not know i waslactose intolerant i have 2 say nothing has changed as areuslt of learning thatim lactose intolerant but atleastn ow i know it removes a lot of stressing abt my fuckign appendix from my life. i want to keep my appendix anyway. i stil have al my wisdom teeth tbh and i feel like it wouldb kinda fun 2 leave this earth with a full deck.i want 2 takeeverything to the end andsee it though.i dont care that myappendix does nothing otherthan sit there contemplatingwhether it willcause me great harm today i care that its been with me since icame 2 be its been atmy side within me and everything i have bene through ithas been through and youknow what maybe it wouldbe less accurate toimagine the appendix as a threat 2 me and more accurate 2 imagine me as a jailer oftheappendix like maybe it has better things 2 do than belocked inan inescapabel fleshy expanse dark and wet with blood and fluid im agine thats you and you have one giant red button thatfrees you andmerely temporarily incapacitates the jailer and imagine refusing 2 press that button holding off for long and logneryears knowing youll die there if you dont press the button but you dont because you love your jailer theyve been withyou since you came 2 be atyour side allaround you and theyll be with you 2 the end if you wish it. and you do.thats basically the appendix and i willnot cast mine idly asidejust as my wisdom teeth remainfirmy wedgedinto the backof my mouth but did you know? that i only have but three wisdom teeth notfour one of them failed 2 materialize and it doesntlie below the surface either it simply is not. which is fun but dont i worry that it unbalances my mouth? no idont. and maybe it would be ok im not abalanced person in anyother way anyway which actually coem to think of it. is maybe balanced inanoverarching way.so maybe iwdo wish i had that fourth tooth. for purposes of concsisntency.

lately i wanted to do something different with my hair because hey guess what : i finished reading assata tbh i forgot that was something that thislist haddbeen concerned with oops. but in assata she talks abt hair and really i couldnt tellyou why her particular articulation ofthe culture of shamesurrounding black women's hair struckme so much bc its not as if id never heard the ideas.maybe it was just her wayof speaking combined with the powerfuland grasping vortexof her sheer llove and hate and passion anddrive tostruggle and uplift the people that droveit into mybody. but anyway im being dramatic. ive stopped using my leavein conditioner and ive stopped doublelooping my scrunchie and generallyive begun a project ofchanging myrelationship 2 my hair which waspreviously fraught . you knowall thorughout my childhood my hair was a hugepart of my identity it was the first thing peoplenormalyl noticed abt me and commentedon (besides my height once igot 2 acertain point). it was in afew different ways but the most common was just mussed andfrizzycurly andhanging infront of my eyes when itgot 2 long whcih my father hated. couple times i had cornrows and onetime i shaved (lice). lotof times itwould grow out longer andlogner andid refuse to let my parents cut it and as this would continue my mother would stillbe trying to comb itout and it wouldget harder and harder until a point atwhich i wouldjust sob in agony throughoutthe entire process at whichpointi would finally agree 2 haircut. lotta timesitwould be cut by family friend desiree who lives down the street and her son rasmus was in my class k-8. but the point is i loved my hair so much. my motherloves to tell a story abt mebeing chased and teased at recess bythese two girls moira and i think katie?? when iwas in second grade and coming backto my mother, telling her that they had said they didn;t like my hair--in her account i was less offended or hurt, more disbeleieveing/confused; "but /everyone/ likes my hair!" i said. i will say that sadly ithink a big part of the way iwas taught 2 love my hair is in commonwith the way i wastaught to love my skin color--the (albeit true) idea that white ppl are willing 2 pay lots of money to make themselves look like me.which is like not a greatbasis for loving ones appearance unconditionally/securely. but i did love my hair allthesame. do u knowwhat i remember?i remember that iused 2 be able to just laymy headdown on a pillow without having 2 put my special hat on. i rememberbeing able to grab a brush and brush my hair out into a ridiculously large puff justfor fun.iremember being able to put my head underwater while swimming!!!!! which i havent done in years and years. rly inrecent times thestate and maintenanceof my hair hasbeen a frequent andintenseanxiety and source of dysphoria and of coursea pointless sink formoney and time. i remember being able to wear hats for gods sake. after iread what assata wrote i thought ofthese thingsand wondered how icouldve betrayed my beloved hair so much . she too has been always withme and she too hasshared inso many beautiful things with me and iwanther to staywith me andmore than that i want her tobe happy andfulfilled and comfortable......so im taking steps.no more intense compression andnomore letting her down for 20 minutes at a time and nomore heavy treatment and no more fearof wind and no more refusal to touchand no morefixation on the lack of whatever nicely defined and separable individual curls. and that is that. i pray she forgives me.

and i suppose we are now here at the end of the november im older now and the year is dying and im really fucking looking forward to it. like a lot. just one more and then homestretch.

"Q: What is this?
A: There is a website that allows you to run a simulated Hunger Games, with results outputted in text. You can fill the slots of the districts with any picture and text you want. In the first year of Post Hard, we ran one with a bunch of group members. The way we did it was we nominated members, then I inputted them all into the site, ran through the whole simulation, took screenshots of everything, and set up scheduled posts so that “day 3 results” and such would post in pseudo-real time over the course of a week or so. If you search “hunger games” in the group you’ll see the old posts.

The winner was to be crowned admin (an admin ended up winning). It was a ton of fun, so for the first anniversary of the group, we did it again. By popular demand we did another at the second anniversary. Now here we are! [disclaimer: the admin prize has expired sorry]

Q: Why not make this a poll?
A: Polls are capped at 100 options. This way allows for unlimited suggestions without resorting to multiple polls.

Q: What kind of things should I suggest as tributes?
A: (Almost) literally anything. Just think “what would I want to see go up against Dole Dried Mango (RIP) with a mace?” Examples: Deflated Basketball, Bears, The Quality of Sharpness, Cheez-It, My Mother, Yourself (totally fine to nominate urself)...

That said, remember that the group rules still apply.

Q: How many suggestions can I make?
A: As many as you want!

Q: How exactly will the tributes be chosen?
A: The tributes will be chosen by a combination of reacts and admin discretion. The latter is to ensure that we don’t repeat too many tributes, that all the tributes don’t come from a small group of people, that we don’t have multiple extremely similar tributes (some shit like Egg and Hard-Boiled Egg which i know you all would vote for), etc.

Q: Is there a prize?
A: Yes.

Q: What is the prize?
A: Being given a prize."

(may 19 2021)

nov 30

placeholder entry #58

tbh u could probably infer sm abt the lack of interest I have in my day 2 day life and inability to picture a future from the way I tend only 2 go over past events instead of actually consideringmyself as I am now

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“We see clearly what shape desire has there: a three-point circuit is visible within Sappho’s mind…For, where eros is lack, its activation calls for three structural components—lover, beloved and that which comes between them. They are three points of transformation on a circuit of possible relationship, electrified by desire so that they touch not touching. Conjoined they are held apart. The third component plays a paradoxical role for it both connects and separates, marking that two are not one, irradiating the absence whose presence is demanded by eros. When the circuit-points connect, perception leaps. And something becomes visible, on the triangular path where volts are moving, that would not be visible without the three-part structure. The difference between what is and what could be is visible. The ideal is projected on a screen of the actual, in a kind of stereoscopy. The man sits like a god, the poet almost dies: two poles of response within the same desiring mind. Triangulation makes both present at once by a shift of distance, replacing erotic action with a ruse of heart and language. For in this dance the people do not move. Desire moves. Eros is a verb.” Anne Carson

placeholder entry #56

ive decided 2 disbelieve in the concept of oversharing btw. this is all a completely normal and reasonable degree of transparency w 350 people most of whom ive never talked 2

placeholder entry #55

hey i feel better how abt that :))))))

rly hard night last night. sensing worse one coming tonight.would like 2 avert and thought maybe writing this sooner than planned (plan was 31 to match the last few entries) would help as it often does. idont understand why i feel this way it doesnt make any sense or relate to any actualphenomena. tbqh things lately have been better 4 me than theyve been for a while just in apurely mechanical sense things that used 2 be much harder for me are becoming easier and im sticking 2 pretty regular schedule that i set 4 myself rather than 1 imposed onto me. in truth i should be doing more and thats part of what always manages 2 drag me back down. for instance in the time since the last entry i managed 2 read 78 pages of assata. and im really enjoying it its beautiful!!!! but in that amount of time based on what i know 2 be true about myself i should have finishedthe book. i really wish that i had.when i wrote that entry and when i started reading the book i envisioned myself being able 2 come back in this entry and say i finished it and say it was powerful 2 me and so forth. it is powerfulin any case but i just wish i had been better. i wont give up though.i didnt realize that she was a poet even though again it was something i should have known. i think her writing style is just so beautiful and so continuous with her poetry.its all the purest love.

i feel ashamed. there is so much pain in my chest i swear to fucking god i need to reach down my esophagus and just RIP IT THE FUCK OUT I SWEAR TO GOD>>DAG<sd.g. nothing ever stops it. years and years ofmylife gone by still with this stupid fucking hurting.idont mean just the last few even.the hurting is very old at least sincei was 13 and it goes through changes and it modulates but it ALWAYS comes back to hurt me again and i can never get ahead of it andi can never understand it. ive seen therapists u kno if thats what youre thinking at me rn. ive seen a whole bunch. heres what makes me so irritated abt therapists is that they dont fuckign say anything to me. i dont know where all of you are getting these therapists that say things to you that arent just repeating what you said to them. this most recent lady i had she literally just sat insilence while i talked abt what was happening in my life and how i was feeling and she would say sm like "that's really hard, yeah....." and then LITERALLY THIRTY SECONDS woud pass in silence and she would go like. "well it sounds like whats happening is [whatever i just said]". they dont give me anything new. they dont tell me im thinking wrong. this most recent lady in fact told mewhen i asked why she was always silent.that i dont really have any like.thoughts that need 2 be corrected or at least im good at immediately correcting my unhealthy patterns of thought when they arise. and i think that i am i mean i am just a very embarassingly logical person and pure logic is good for thatsort of thing. but then why do i still always feel this way.

heres a story ive not told in full before 2 anyone. i have afriend named helen (im sure ive talked abt her on this list or even told a portion of this story) who i met as a freshman in high school. i fell madly in love with her. incredibly she v much liked me too. loved me even (her words). but a web of complex social pressures and traumatic events prevented us from ever being together and even drove us to continually pulically disavow our feelings toward another. as the result of this web she actually very cruelly and w much manipulation pressured me into revealing my crush (which i did in a very long text trying to fully explain every aspect of my feeligns and thought process). then soon after that she stopped talking 2 me for about a year. we are still friends and ourfeeligns towards each other have evolved a lotover the years and weve had many many conversations abt it by now. one of the things she pointed out 2 me recently was that, putting aside the horrific things she did 2 me at 16, i had also erred ; inparticaulr after she extracted my confession the first thingshe said was "what do you want to happen now?". in retrospect i think this obviously signalled that she was at least not completely closed from the idea thta we could be together. but i was afraid and hurting a lot and she was my only friend and i thought for sure she would leave me alone if iasked for that.so i told her i watned 2 wake up the next morning and pretend like nothing had happened. wanted nothing 2 change. as helen pointed out this is kind of animpossible ask after everything i had said. of course something would have 2 change. and it was maybe not particularly kind of me 2 not involve her in a decision process that ostensibly she was an equal part of. from the way she talks abt it ithink she wishes i had just told her the glaringly obvious truth that more than anything i wanted 2 be with her and tbh i wish i had 2. it is very sad. i lied 2 us both. by now easily one of my greatest regrets. isnt it jtus so crazy u can go throug hso much and have so much time pass and become such a different person and still keep making the same mistakes again and again and again (and again) in exactly the same ways.

"Long story

In the second and third grade I formed a "spy club" with two of my closest friends. We slowly invited people and tested them by making them run long distances and jump off stuff. At its peak the spy club had maybe 20 members, which for us, the three founders, was incredible. Eventually all sorts of shit went down that led to a civil war of sorts and ended with a kid getting suspended for trying to choke out another kid, but before all that went down I tried to have an after-school meeting of the spy club to discuss spy business. I passed out notes to all the members saying to meet on the stage after school, and they all told me they would be there. Of course, being second graders, none of them really had the authority to declare that because they would just get picked up by their parents. Also I should explain that the stage at this school is part of the cafeteria, which is also the gym. This meant that there was a small fridge off to the side that kids would get their 50-cent cartons of milk from. So right after school, I went to the cafeteria and went up on stage behind the closed curtain (which kids really weren't supposed to do) and start putting out chairs that were stacked up back there. I must've put out like 30 chairs. Then, the crowning accomplishment--I went down into the cafeteria and took cartons of chocolate milk out of the fridge and put one on each chair. That's 30 cartons right there. Then, I cracked open my carton and sat on my chair waiting for the other members to arrive. Needless to say, none of them did. And that was how the teachers (and my freaking-the-fuck-out mom) found me. Sitting alone, in the dark behind a curtain, in front of 30 chairs containing only stolen cartons of chocolate milk."

(jun 21 2017)

oct 29

placeholder entry #54

my new place is nice btwwwwwwwwww ive gotten it pretty setup. andits nice 2 live alone in a lot of ways. ireally wont know what its like until the days have fully shortened and the wind picked up and the first blushes faded but . for now it is nice. so much i just dont have 2 worry abt anymore taking care of a whole other personin ways they like rly should b able 2 manage themselves. a couple of thelight switches need to be flicked a bunch before the light will turn on and also i think the drain in the shower might need 2 b snaked but besides that its all good. im in a corner unit so i have extra windows. i have a balcony. im near a bus stop. im somewhat contented

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this weekend is actually kinda packed ngl......helens here today and tomorrow and then on sunday am goign 2 that store i cantremember the name of . originally i wanted 2 look for an extension cord there but actually itturns out i already have neough so if youre reading this im SORRY i have no purpose anymore.......its ok theres stuff to wander and wind around there and lay your hands upon. maybe ill remember how to play the chrismas song this time. maybe therell be another cool pair of earrings.whatever. thats not even the point anyway

back again. want 2 hear something funny that happened to me here u go: im taking a class on chaos theory this quarterand i went 2 the first meeting of the lab component w the TA the other day.she had us all introduce ourselves our major etc . thing we did this summer that was the most fun (for me: psychedelic mushrooms). andthen later she called on me and was like yes .... rhea? and i was like it's wre-o, actually, and she was like got it, rhea! and i was like wreOH. and she was is it...rhe...rhea? and i was like wre-ohhhhhhhhhh. with a long o. and she was like WREO, got it. but i have to be honest the whole process really endeared me to the name rhea. so im adding that one . (for those ofyou tht dont know i go by multiple names in my life; and (at the risk of sapping some utility from the practice) here are all of them atm: wreo, laurel angel, fern, daphne, julia, tawan (ตะวัน), may, and now rhea. all of them came from different places . maybe i will tell their stories now !

wreo: this name comes from that one meme about sunn o))) where theres a guy in a car on a date and the date asks him to putsome music on and he plays sunn o))) and shes like "this is freaking me out can we change this" and hes like. zoned all the way the fuck out drooling. anyway in the background of that meme there is huge text onematopoeia of sunn thats like EEEEWWWWWWRRRRREEEEEOEOOOEOOEOEO or something like that and on discord a long time ago i was going 2 join a new server and i noticed that my display name was still "panopticon" (which i used to use a lot as a teen) and i was like omg cringe. so i changed it to "WWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" or something like that aspart of a joke w my friend rhys who will reappear later in this list. and then even later on than that i went to join a discord server for a class i was in and i was like oh this is literally very obnoxious having my name be this long so i changed it to just "wreo". and then maybe slightly later than that i was getting serious abt flying from my identity and i wanted 2 experiemnt w a new facebook account (which was my primary social outlet at the time). so i used that trick where u set ur fb to indonesia or somethign to allow me to be , mononymously, "Wreo". that account was very frequently an awful despairing place for me but i learned that i love the name wreo . and really the despair i felt on that account was necessary 2 me moving forward and off of facebook entirely. rly istarted exploring myself and reaaching out 4 more emotional & intimateconversations w ppl too late for facebookto have offered me anysolace. at that point the communities were all heavily fractured and individuals reigned.im sure this experience of facebook isnt particularly resonant for people who werent there. but i know a lot of you were and u should know im grateful 2 u all and i really wish i had started caring earlier.

laurel angel: this name comes intwo parts . the first part is "laurel" . laurel comes from my mother. she once told me a story that went like this. when she was in high school, in her sophmore year there was a new student in their grade. her name was laurel. my mother says that the only interaction they had that she can remember was, on the first day that laurel attended the school, being briefly unkind to her about something; teasing her about dropping something, i dont exactly remember. but anyway it was over in a moment. andthen , a month or so later, laurel was killed in a car accident. my mother says she has been guilty for decades because ofthis; that she had thsi tiny little moment of being inthis persons life before they left us and in that moment she hurt her. for no reason really. after i heard this story i knew instantly i had to take the name laurel. icouldn't tell you why. my mother has asked me too and i cant tell her why either.it just calls 2 me. i think of all my names it feels the truest maybe. i definitely have the strongest shudder hearing it said. and then thereis the second part "angel". this name comesfrom a dear friend ofmine who lives far away. there was an era , im going to guess maybe it lines up somewhat wit hthe year 2021? but everything has blurred together anyway i have no confidence in locating events in 2020-2021 (and I dont mean because of the pandemic ok i just gotta say those years have special significance 2 me and its NOT because of the pandemic and i resent the implication that my feelign towards those years is reducible 2 that!!!). anyway there was an era where i would send her little bundles of weed from time 2 time to aid in her subverting Laws and lack of access. sometimes i putother little things in the packages too.one time i sent these little wooden boblehead figurines ive collected over my family's many trips 2 mexico (im sure they have a name). onetime i sent an old house of leaves themed hoodie that i had for years but could never wear bc it was always too small.one time i sent mycopy of the complete stories of kafka. inever included a note in anyof them funnily enough the closest i got was drawing the faciality diagram from a thousand plateaus on the back of a box.i thought about including a noteevery time i sent one but i never knew what i would say.ijust felt like ive got this little package here im ready to send it shouldnt there be a letter in here?? shouldnt there be a few folded 2gether pages with cramped lines of writing ? shouldnt i have been hunched over a desk in lamplight scribbling over hours feeling like ten minutes , what with the amount oflanguage in me ? and i could tie it up with a ribbon or seal it with hot wax. butinever had anything to write. anyway. one time she sent me something back.she had just finished reading assata by assata shakur and we had talked about it a bunch.igathered how much it hadimpacted her and , inspired, i expressed that iwould like 2 read it sometime too. and thena bit later im not sure how long she asked for my address. and then a bit after that i got a copy in the mail. the box was addressed to "laurel angel". imagine the feeling! i knew i would be keeping the name for the rest of my life. and to be honest ive still not read the book. it embarasses me that i havent .ishouldve started reading it the second it arrived . theres a lot of things i shouldve read by now but i havent and its frustrating. i hope i will learn. i think that maybe after i publish this update i will go pick up assata and read the first page. i think that it is the least i can do for her now.

fern: this name just popped into my head one day along with the realization of how perfectly it fits me.

daphne: this name comes from a plant nursery along that one road that u take to get over to san mateo from half moon bay or whatever the fuck. it goes up to skyline if u know the pninsula u know what im talking about. anyway i went there w my parents for my father's birthday in april of this year (bc hes obsessed w flowers) and i wandered around feeling the greenhouse humidity and caressing plants that seemed like they needed it. and then i turned and beheld an outdoor area with a grimy dirty ass sign simply proclaiming: "DAPHNE". of course it is a type of flower. i knew this at once . but i also knew at once it was such a beautiful name. it has a ph. it has a long e sound from a singular e, for gods sake. so i googled the name and the results reminded methat daphne is a nymph in greek mythology . the myth goes that apollo gets cursed by cupid to fall in love w/ and pursue daphne , while she wants nothign 2 do with him. and right as hes about 2 kiss her she prays to zeus and he transforms her into a laurel tree to protect her. which is my name. so i knew i would take daphne as well.

julia: this name comes from a spot just outside ferrell's donuts on mission where "JULIA" is carved into the pavement. i stare down at the pavement as i walk and i pay a lot of attention to things written in concrete. this one stuck out 2 me especially bc i was in a very particular mental state when i saw it, concerned with oneheadlight cars and various other things. it made me think of julia sets. i dont use it too often but i really like having it there.

tawan: this name comes my friend rhys. rhys is thai andhas for a while been ocassionally studying the language. back when it was a newer endeavour, rhysproduced thai names for each member of the 6-person discord server that is our primary realm of interaction.mine was tawan, which means "sun". i think it also includes the word "eye" as a component?? and might mean literally "Eye in the sky" although do not quote me on these things.

may: name of my dnd character :)))) comes from "may kasahara" from the windup bird chronicle by haruki murakami. hey did you know im a fucking HUGE fan of murakami? does that make u judge me?? i get the feeling his workis not rly like. "cool" u kno. and it certainly has some weird complexes abt women. but god i cannot helphow much i feel in his books. ialways am afraid 2 discuss such things like what books i really love and why bc it reveals so much about me. like if i said that one ofmy favorite books ive ever read is the letters of vita sackville-west to virginia woolf. for someone 2 know that about me feels a little bit like im taking my shirt off in front of them.my other favorites are a thousand plateaus. and the windup bird chronicle. and the waves. and house of leaves. now im fully nude!!!! please be kind 2 me in your thoughts and hopefully i can siphone some of that.

there we go. now you are all up to date.) today my friend helen is driving down to hang out . im not sure how it will go ; helen is unpredictable.but i think it will be nice.we'll probably do more drugs. maybe we will walk in the meadows and retrace the actually correct route through the gulch that we failed 2 accomplish last time. it is such a beautiful day.

"Doin this shit and hoping nobody has done this one yet. Thanks Nurmina for letting the lowly masses of RA participate! I nominate nobody because everyone's already been nominated.

nominated been already everyone's because nobody nominate I !participate RA of masses lowly the letting for Nurmina Thanks .yet one this done has nobody hoping and shit this Doin"

(sep 7 2017) sep 30

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o yeah also remember when i said the hard monthly distinctions i was feeling would fade in the summer??? turns out that was not at all true bc here we are summer is ending and im still feeling them cold as iron. although it did occur to me a while ago that actually i probably feel such hard splits specifically because of these list updates and how seriously i take them . so it was self-fulfilling this entire time

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going to san diego for a week on thursday. my fatheris already there , heisliving there fora few weeks taking care of his parents' dog and home. it will be nice to be there i think. the past few times ive gone i rememeber very fondly as being filled w a very particular atmosphere of pleasant calm w slight misty eyes. i rly have no idea what it is but im just generally mentally healthier there. go figure. havent i talked abt san diego on this list before ? probably but thats ok. again and again and again.

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blue era

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still doing lots of variant sudoku puzzles. they are sososososo cool and satisfying to work out ; can understand why oneof the most ocmmon adjectives to describe particularly good puzzles on the site im on is "beautiful" (rather than like. challenging or impressive or whatever)

heres a cool one if u like that kinda thing: https://logic-masters.de/Raetselportal/Raetsel/zeigen.php?id=000AHV

first off heres what i did today so far. im stilltrying toget my drivers license despitethe fact i morethan likely will not need to drive for the foreseeable future.today i wasgoing to go and take the writtentest for the thirdtime today (multiple times bc my permits keep expiring bc i dont actually drive) . ihad 2 rush to the busstop bc i inexplicably got rly attached to the earliest possible bus i could take from the moment i decided to go; andin this case the busstop i was rushing too was up hickey instead of down manor likenormal. up hickey is very steep and i basically ran up it andbecame exhausted. when i wasclose and it was clear i'd get there in time i sat down to rest for a moment and happened to sit facing down the hill.hickey has very lovely views of the pacific ocean.there was an oldman very slowly riding a bicycle up the hill and we looked at each other. as he passed he said in a labored britishaccent "don't give up, you're almost there" which i was . although he didn't know that. a minute later i reached the stop drenched in sweat. i took the bus to the dmv and waited in the line and waited in a chair . i was G097 and my confirmation number was 1A9F 20DD. i was called to the window. presented my passport. "have you ever had a california id?" i hadnt . "do you have proof of address?" i didnt. totally forgot to bring a paystub. left dejected . wandered to the bus stop goign the other way. sat down on the pavement grabbed stick began to strip the bark from it. it came off easily in some places and not so easily in others. down the street two ladies walking dogs approach. i shift to the curb to let the m pass. i go back to the stick. a minute later i realized they still haven't passed. i look up . one of the dogs is taking a shit. "that's a good girl" i can hear. they pass me at last. the sidewalk is narrow. i move back into the center of it. im sitting facing the road with my legs stretched out uncrossed before me, just barely hanging off the edge of the curb. im leaning back and restng on my palms with my elbows locked. the bus comes in ten minutes. thinking. feeling pretty awful to be honest mostly bc of the waste of timefrom my own negligence but wheneverthings like that happen all theo ther things im default feeling bad about get more convincing. glance at my phone: bus comes in ten minutes. before i can quite see the source i hear faintly "oh! you look /so/ comfortable..." andi look up and there is a lady slowly walking past opposite the street from me though not on the sidewalk. she has red hair and she is carrying a bag. "i am !" i say. "and /so/ warm..." she says. "i am!" i say. it's the truth; i am very warm and very comfortable although perhaps not for too much longer as the concrete is digging into my palm. "it's warmer closer to the ground..." she says. shes gotten as close as she will get and is now moving away from me further down the street. "the heat coming up from the earth" i say. she turns to look at me still walking and says "/mother/ earth..." in a voice that had such a particular sound to it like ecstatic melancholy . kinda voice that after every sentence demans the tenderest of sighs to follow. maybe that sounds too incredibly specific to describe w such general words but i tell you i've heard that voice before numerous numerous times. maybe even my own voice has sounded that way before tho im genuinely not sure if it has. i told her to have a nice walk and she nodded and then she was gone. the bus came soon after and i got on and rode it and the whole time i thought about her voice and how i would need to write about it in this entry and in general just began composign this entry in my head. then it turned out thatthis bus actually only takes me as close as the middle of hickey, not the precise stop but feet away from the stop i got on at. so now i walkback down the hill facing out the entire time and the ocean is gorgeous. i thought to take a picture of it for this entry's thumbnail which i did but i dont think i'm going to use it bc the thumbnails lose too much detail. and then i was home and i let the dog out and smoked some weed (stupid) and lay down on my bed and felt so much better than before i almostbegan to doubt my ability to write this entryinthe style i had previously envisioned . but that's actually ok i decided. and now i'm writing it.

one part i composed inmy head on the bus for the "after-how-my-days-been" sectionwas abt the absence/presence of god bc i felt like i actually suddenly understood. i probably didnot and i dontwant to lay outall the feelings anymore but just. i /felt/ it for a moment ir eally did. i understood thesense in which god is present through their absence and i understood myself 2 be strugglign mightily with it. but i am a mathematician and i investigated the thought too much and the feeling dissipated. oh well. stupid stupid problemsolving patternseeking brain. tbh writing these entries is kind of anopportunity to escape it. iremember inge wroteonce that all her lists are little prayers. tbh i feel somewhat the same although im sure it only comes down to the actual transfer of the sentiment happening in the word prayer itself. but whatam i praying for or in fidelity to like inge says. prayer feels likecloseness with god insofar as. god is not here , but is here precisely in that they are not here (or however it goes ) . yeah maybe i read a little simone weil haha......but like wasnt the point that we get closer to god by becoming like god in ourselves ie by emulating gods creation by withdrawl. so in that sense i guess prayerwould be like attempting to withdraw fromyourself or like.2 speak in a voice that isnt anyones (is gods (like that lady's voice saying "mother earth")). something??? lost the actual thought i had and juststarted saying words sigh. wish iunderstood things better / was motivated to learn tounderstand things better. maybe my entries are exorcisms mroe than prayers huh???? is exorcism prayer??? probably is on some level huh. exorcism like expulsion,thats like withdrawl isnt it.look at me putting up red string thumbtacks on christian terminology whee. im not cut out for this im cut out for describing my day. anyway basically sorry about that last entry i was beyond despairing and thats part of whatthis list is abt i guess. not that iintended it.and writing it helped that night. next day and since i hated myself for it but that night, it really actually helped.andwhy shouldi hate myself for it anyway do i not have feelings? doinot have struggles and terror in my life?ive read so many people strangers and lovedones talk openly about the ways they feel bad just somany people havent we all??ive never once heard or read such a thing and felt anything other than compassion.love.heartbreak. hard 2 make it for myself tho. afterall inmy case i actually know the whole story (or at least half).

forgive me!!!!!

"the owl, town watch, the flood approaches

The Psychedelic Conspiracy

Tabitha

Clara, the witch in the English countryside

Dancers in the Wings, Moths, Paris Opera, Degas

Natalya Tatiana Petrovskia

the floral kingdom of the Renaissance

Little Red Riding Hood

the cat sitting in its favorite basket out in the blizzard, the Himalaya

Whispering Lely Painting

Me, Corner of Haight and Ashbury, 1966

Strangler’s View

I forgot the wire cutters getting the wire cutters from the car to break into stonehenge"

(mar 31 2021)

aug 30 update: had a panic attack on the way 2 the test after my father had me get in the wrong lane and told me to switch , which Made me confused , which got him rly worked up . spent a long time sobbing on rhe side of the road talking him into letting me not take the test . He doesnt comfort me or hug me or anything beyond saying “everythings fine”. 20 minute car ride home in silence . At home he apologizes and startscrying bc he feels guilty abouthow he acted when he asked me 2 change lanes. I givehim a hug and tell him its ok. realized I maybe do not have the best relationship w my father.lmao.

wrote long venting entry of confused self hatred and then cried a little got a nosebleed dripped blood on my new pantswent to the bathroom and had complete breakdown . Now the venting aeems unecessary . only real feeling is that thisis not sustainable for me I am not smart nor strong nor brave enough . every day it gets harder to see the path and I get more guilty for wanting it to be visible. i need rest.

“Performance sacral symbolism
Disciplined invariance performance
Play sacral symbolism”

(oct 21 2021)

jul 24

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🤹‍♀️

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ibought five dozen cronut holes today.....like acombination croissant donut.........they are fucking really good if youhavent had one before.hy do croissats have tobe so hard to make thoughall the layers.iwant to make them but its cold inthe houseand imnot dextrous or patient enoughfor layering it like that.itried to make this flatbread thingy i saw on instagram (because apparently instagram is fuckign crafty and manipulative and keeps suckign me into scrolling through like 25 different videos and fucking random shit from peoplei dont followwhenall i want tos eeis whether deep jusngle has announced the dwarde&timreaper ep release date) which also requires layering and actually after someiteration ittasted really good and ithink maybe illtry to do itagain soon and build up my layering skills and omfg im hearing MAD SIRENS OUTSIDE DOG mad sirens rn. did you know one time sm w red andblue lights flashing pulled up outsidemy home at like 2 am and unsderstanbly no siren was blaring bc nocars to signal adn everyones asleep but htye sjust stopped right opposite thehouse on the other side of the street and sat there fora while andi was way toostoned and drowsy to processanything fuly and was like holy shit theyre onto me theyre coming to raid the place

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i love u bioluminescece by shorelights

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ihave a space heater and imlucky that my room has two windows allowing for adraft.im rly warm and theres a consistent chill wind at once.theres a plum tree outside the window i can seei t right now shivering easier because i turned off my lamp in the middle of the previous sentence.light sources : turntables, bluetoothe speaker, heater, powerstrip,laptop,sstreelight through window,stars,moon (maybe ,cant see it)

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“Morgan says he’s worked it out and one spends 3 hours on food, 6 on sleep, 4 on work, 2 on love. Lytton says 10 on love. I say the whole day on love. I say its seeing things through a purple shade. But you’ve never been in love they say.”

my first paid job i ever had was as an assistant sunday school teacher of preschoolers and kindergarteners.(have italked abt this on rym before ?? myabe) i was 14. itwas a unitariant universalist church soitwas not teaching froma specific text orabt a specific spiritual practice butmore just like.simplemorality stuff and varioustidbits from variousmajor religions.ihad been going theresince i was twoyears old and theppl inparticualr the ones my age meant a lot 2 me butby this time they hadmostly moved on fromregular or even sporadicattendance. so it was the group of Religious Education staff thatbecame my community thereuntil i graduatedfrom highschool and leftcalifornia. ihad known several of thestaff for years alreadyso it wasfamiliar 2 me butfrom the outside we probably seemed quiteeccentric. two peoplewere lovie and alyse. they were sisters and they were both very very short and didnot look like each other at all but would be constantly mistake n for twins because of their height.i,on the otherhand, was extremely tall both by comparisonand just ingeneral. iwas also extremely young;youngest working there by 15 yearsprobably. wehad a childrens choir at times ; the director was aprolific marimba player and supplied numerous marimbasfor participants , whoperformed on them infront of the congregation (igot 2 do this when i was youngenough.) and thenthere was the REdirector who i rly appreciated alot until she left the church a while on butialso specifically recall abt her that wheni participated in a like generic comingofage ceremony in thechurch at 16 she read some smalldedication thing abt me and she SOBBED.and proceeded to breeze rightthru her own daughter's.which i proably would nothavenot iced had not multiple ppl pointed itout tomeafterwards lmfao......andjust in general like.there were lot of capital c charactetrs.......loved them tho.church has declincedi n membership and attenednce a LOT recentlybecause of numerous factors.for one they engaged a multiyear capital campaign to purchase the lot next to the church containing a house numbered 314, which I at one point mentioned to my mother while walkign w this guy i think was called Tom???? (at the time both major mover and shakers inthe churchs political landscape) that it should b called the Pi House.and the guy "Tom" went 2 meetings and pushed SUPERhard for the nameand sepcifically creditedhimself w its creation.....unfuckingbelievable.........anyway the campaign raised liek literally a million dollars bc this church is on the peninsula and is attende by a lotta rich white ppl assuaging their guilt. and the whole idea was theywould by the property next door, and then they would own the entire block, and would be able to sell off the land to a developer of some kind for muchmuch more money in order to buy a better church somehwere else .so they bought it.and then they found out that the area isnt zoned for any particularly profitable shit to be devloped (in particular apartmentbuilding which they had hoped for.) what i and my mother both think(although it is fartoolate for us 2 have any sway) is that thebuilding should be turned intoa communit center considering that the church is situated in a fairly impoverished neighborhood inthe heart of an incredibly rich county and they have all the means2 do so and it perfectly aligns with all the fundmanetla tenets of uuism as outlined inthe rainbow principles and etc. this is why i call it an extremely liberal religion.

the reason that came out isbc i was thinking about how towritethis entry and i was thinking aboutwhat ihave been up to recently and all ithought of was starting work at the summer camp I've worked at for a while now, andthen i thought i wouldcouch talking abt that withtalking abt howwork has been a kindaomnipresentthing in my life since istarted at the church.proably bc i couldnt think of anything to say abt starting work at the summer camp rofl. not thatits been bad or boring or anything its just been what its bene like. kids everywhere and thyere happy and im so grateful 2 them and the crazy shit they do and say.one camper today just came up to me laughing hystercailly and went . "youre BAD!!!!" and dissolved into giggles and couldnot tell me whatshe meant. one camper i was w today said they had a fever that morning (in order to get out of outdoor rotation im 99%) ,and thenrealizing after iask them to confirm, that would meanthey couldnt be at camp (covid) and changing it toaheadache, and negotiating the severity of the headache w me down to a level where theyre able to sit out of the games but they dont have to have an ouch report written or go to the office or anyhting.honestly when a camper is skilled like that ifeellike i have 2 let them win......another one told me their head was hurting and i asked if they hit it and htye said they didnt remember.but they THINK thye did.....actually they think they hit it yesterday on a pole maybe. but it jut started really hurting .............its just so fun 2 navigate w them how muchits actually real in their experience and howm uch they are aware that like.theyre trying to push specific buttons on the mechanism that i represent to them inorder to get me to do specific things.rly fucked up.and i guess i acutally did have something to say about camp....and oneof the campers who wasin my grouplast year is back again this year andhas changed their pronouns sincethen which made me happy

iremember that ultralight beam is a really important song to me because of that camp.i first heard the song atthend of my firstsummer at the camp (2016) andat this timethe only music i really listened to was a handful of romantic & impressionist piano pieces, some jazzfusion,and c418. that summer i hadmade friends w three other SIs sophia lindsey and isabella . i think that itwas rly a socialeexperience that i hadntexperienced since iwas like 10 of just .there being no tension.and therewas still a little outsideness (nopunintended) feeling to me being in a sortof group w them but it was justnicein a way i wasmissing.and at the endof camp we cleaned a roomtogetheras the last taskof the ummer and they played ultralight beam and ithought iwas justsounbelievably beautiful.and that evening the entire staff of the campwent to eat a particular restaurant in a mall per tradition and as the evening went on and concluded itwas jut this like mass of feeling beyondanything. specifically thye wereall carpooling home but ihad elected notto just bc .im kinda bad abt taking ppl up onoffers when my desire to doso becomes too strong.and we all aid goodbye and they walked offinto the mallparkign lot night and it was like the sensation of love combined with the way the oceans horizon looks at night when its really cloudy and the moon isnt making any relflections with which to discern the distnace 2 it. ink all consuming but love.so i wenthome and iplayed ultralight beam and i cried a lot .and that was one of th first times i can remembercrying not resolving into catharsis or just some kind of calm. i cried a lot and i cried for a while and i did not stop crying easily nd i wanted to keep crying after i stopped. it felt wrong that i should stop rly. thats onepossibleorigin story of several aspects of myselfp robably. and also for completeness i saw these people each of the next 3 summers and we all remained goodfriends thoughout themtho we arenot in contactanymore nowthey have ceased to come and work.whic his fine.parting wasonly like that thefirst time ; andanywasy after that i made other friends there and in fact one of them is working w me in a similar role this year.and it is fun (Although iam gathering that theyhavemaybe on a slightpowertrip nowthat we r in leadership roles....tragic) and wow is the sensation that i've told ll these stories before growing.if i have i am sorry,,i am telling them againt omyself because for me atleast they keepbeing new

am only working until jul 15 this year and then after that offto nyc for a bit 2 visit my sister and walk around. staying for a week and thencoming back and sitting around probably. i'llporbably end up seeing if the campdirector needs me for anyhting in the last couple weekso f camp and shell say yes bc i havalot of experience and thye always rly want me there.so will prob occupy myself tho maybe iwont do that and ill justsit at home.rlyi could do anythingatall could go for walks and hikes and ride public tarnsportation and buy abook from time 2 time...first summer that i haventbeen working nor was it 2020 in awhile.

its actually strange that im able to be soenergetic each day considering that i dont eat much nor do i sleepas much as i should . assistance of angels isuppose just like ms patrice manget says. needing to closeoff this entry somehow but i have no wrap up or unifying theme besides love which is always the unfiying theme. and in case i dont see you good afternoon good evening and gn????

and thank you <3

”Sup post hard, just wanted you all to know that when it comes to postin’ you gotta just you know take a little bit of effort and then you know, it, it, [inhale] then it’s just, you can even, somewhat, even sial-somehow, kind of a little bit...somewhat, indubitably so, even, you know, kind of, somewhat, just post it. Hard.”

(jan 11 2019)

jun 30

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maybe if ibuy the box beforei go in they wont care and ican eatitfuring the film. thatwould realy be true subversive activity. im fuckign bored man somebody give mesomethign to cry over this is the perfect time to be crying btw too many fucking imageless releases here i want some image APPROVALS

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im gonna lose it man. i want some of he brown sugar frosted shrreed miniwheat ceral things i want the trader joes kind bc i like it more bc im a slave to advertsiting and my childhood rituals.but that meansi hve to go all the way downtown to get it and omfg i just futckgin remembered im going downtown anywaytomorrow afternoon.so i can getthis cereal then....im so happy im actually sobbing irl my wish came true (smash cut to my completelyblank expression)

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its bc theres like a little spongy bitof material a bit underneath my heart. and it like sops shit up u know. justin general its sopping up my humors and vital fluids. and if i could just scalpel it out nice andsmoothand sneaky my nervous syste pro bwouldnt even know; and then icould wring itallout and stick it back in and everything would run somuch smoother. htis is like when you have fans in your computer tower and theyre filled with dust.so u gotta clen the dust out or else the fuckign comptuer is going to burn to the ground. and thats exactly like me with the spongein my chest........ecept dust and fire itsmore like ghostlyentities and slefimportant weeping

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realizing placholder entries 34 and 35 containreferences to each other....breaking the illusion of stream of consciounsess continuous flow fro the past (lower part of the list) upward.........im breaking it even more by referencing the above entries in this lower (past) one.......im DISUPTING the flow of time..........imbending it to my will

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lalalalalalala ialready fucking wrote eveyrthing i wanted to write down there man why do i set these tasks 4 myself. wring somemore words out mybody likea rag (There you go there s a good simile for you)

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IM FUCKING BORED

i'm soooooo tired and im here in the red light. red lights the nicest on ur eyes bc the longest wavelenght...........anywayyyy i took a nap earlier by accident it was when i put on that slow astro mix at first and i was really stoned and i was like ill just lie here and take this all in and then i drifted off and woke up at like 5. and i went omg i slept in until 5!!!!and completely forgot that i had already been up that morning and rode the bus for tlike 2 hours and gone to target and stuff. and then i remembered. whoopdee doo isnt this fuckign riveting. tornado videos: im watching them so much and looking at photos of them. why????? some things dont make sense. iwas talking to therapist the other day (businesswoman emoji) and sheasked me why ilove mathematics like what was my original introduction to it if someone in myfamily showed me or anything and i thought abt it alot and like. nobody else in my fmily even LIKES mathematics a little bit .rly i have no actaul idea where my interest inmathematics came from itkinda feels always there.so too for my love of tornaodes. how can they be so beautiufl? its like the whole skyreaching down to touchthe earth at once.and maybe lightning is a littlel ike that also?but lightining travels down so quicklyits almost instant at once. maybe it splits a tree or something.but it doesnt really generate the true impact tht it feels like it should.that the wholesky reaches downto the earth demands that the earth be traumatizedin the process.u dont get to seee THAT shti iwht lightining or rain or whatever otherways the sky travels totthe earth. hmmmmm and also if u were curious in math im learning abt inner product spaces rn

ONE HEAD LIGHT CARS. i see them everywhere seriously can someone explain this to me. is it justsantacruz i swear togod i never saw themlike this in pacifica or sf. every day im walking if i start to pay any attention at all to the cars that are driving by boom ait takes maybe a few inutes at ost fora one headlight car to go by. like 2 or 3 a day. theyre fucking following me round man they are after me!!!! leave me alone!!!!! im just trying to live my life as a normal longstriding cosmopolitan typa girl i cant bebothered. heres what i feel like:i feel like i dont know whatgonna happen next. its windy outside sometimes but generaly the wind has stopped blowing super hard eveyr day its just warm and thisisnt a season im noralyl familiar with from pacifica.so like ive lost track of what is Generally coming next basically.maybe itdoesnt atter because iam goign back to pacifica soon to work.but i cant help but feel my internal clockwill be all of!!!!speking of working ijust recently got word theyre gonna have me do a higherpaying job 4 a while bc im so cool and thye likeme so much....thats right .TWE/nTY FIVE dollars an hour instead of TWENTYTHREE dollars anhour..... im ready to invest in property

i have a feeling the hard monthly disintctions ive been feelign are goign to dissolve away in the summer. anyway ill be a while. sothink carefully before waiting up!!!!!!!

and GOD do i solove that rains in my heart in rains on my video art image...it rains in my heart it rains in my rym listt

“Emily TL: Tall iced skinny vanilla latte ----
Max: Grande hot chocolate with no whip----
Sam W: Grande Hot Chocolate with no whip--
Anna: Hot chamomile Tea--- no
Katy: nonfat vanilla latte with two pumps of vanilla---
Hender: Venti Green Tea Latte----
Lindsey: grande caramel macchiato ---
Emily LI: grande nonfat vanilla latte extra shot ---
Sam R: teavana shaken green tea lemonade---
Devyn: Grande Iced Latte---
Randy: Venti Mocha extra chocolate with whipped cream---
Steven: Grande Green tea frap---
Mike: tall White chocolate mocha----
Andrea: venti iced chai latte with two shots---
Cristina: tall regular coffee with soy---
Maja: Venti hot green tea latte----
Maria: grande medium iced coffee with vanilla and cream and sugar---
Amber: soy chai latte----
Vicki: grande mint mocha frappucino---
Rebecca: Tall chai tea latte---
Komal: grande caramel frap 2 pumps caramel syrup 2 pumps hazelnut syrup java chips caramel and mocha drizzle---
Sophia: grande iced latte---
Ally: tall cool lime refresher with coconut milk----
Scott: tall half lemonade half iced tea---
Rachel: grande iced caramel macchiato ---
Claire: venti strawberry acai refresher with passion tea---
Clare: grande strawberry acai refresher with passion tea---
Isabella: caramel latte--
Aisha: grande strawberry acai refresher with passion tea---
Klyver: Tall vanilla frap with extra whipped cream---
Mad Dog: grande mocha--
Ruth: grande some kind of fruit smoothie strawberry banana etc----”

(aug 11 2017)

may 29

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you have to imagine me sighing all the time. i am a sighing girl and that is just the case. im not obtrusive though! i keep from sighing loud enough to disturb whatever situation i might be in at the time. but nonetheless im sighing regularly and dareisay passionately. i am a dedicated sigher. and a genuine sighren would i be, did i not so restrain my breath...fear me ye mortals. my subtle melancholies are not 2 b trifled with!!!!!

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i love popcorn so much. i make it so often there is essentially always a solid amount in the apt. i make it on the stove; i have a special pot specifically for popcorn, deep with a glass lid, as well as a really bigbrushed metal bowl from ikea, also specifically for popcorn. i order rural route 1 popcorn kernels online; i highyl recommend them, truly nothing else compares.especially if you aresomeone who has generally only experienced yellow popcorn, or god forbid only movie theater & microwave popcorn, u truly must try some good whitepopcorn sometime bc the difference is shocking (and it is cheaper! than microwave popcorn although i am not includign the cost of butter & extra flavorings if desired). its a pretty significant prt of myl ife. i would like to say it's a family tradition because that is how it feels; in actuality my family started making popcorn in large maounts only about 5 years ago. so isuppose it is a family tradition but a young one.i will carry it forward; i will protect it with my life

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that was a lot of text i just typed but im promise im normal. im perfectly normal

today is thursday.tomrrow is friday and after that will be saturday followed by sunday; that will be the end of the weekend, and then willcome monday tuesday wednesday again.it is windy outside. i thought earlier i should buy a bag of peanuts and crack them open and eat them one by one. but i took a shower just about an hour ago and and i dont want to face the wind. iam lucky enough to livein a place with a gas stove and i have been making smores.my roommate has been away this week on a camping trip;and all of my extraneous appointments for the week have for one reason or another been canceled.so i've been in here!!!!! im so high. these are the perfect conditions. i can spend so long just lyin on the couch or in bed; i dont get bored even for a moment i have so much to think about. the divsions between months are feeling as stark as walking through that curtain of compressed air when steeping onto an airplanr.there is the sense that where the next month after this is,it is only provisionally real relative to the previous month, andit's going somewhere very very fast.and why should they when it is only the name? may is next; may is one of my names. more than ever i suddently understand the musicof celer. i felt it before but it comes into focus like an array of copies converge to the center and resolve.(or a better simile if u please.) ilove the loops. it is more and more my guiding principle: repetition.if i felt i want to feel it again and again but: not because it willfeel thesame.precisely because it will not; either kafka or nietzsche i think said this.that if one were to everyday doggedly repeat the same acts, then the world would havenochoice but to change.or another way , thiscertainly from kafka (which i lifted from the bandcamp description of drift nowhere past / the adventure of sleep: that "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” although i will say it is not a bad idea to leave the room from time to time 🧚‍♀️

also ummmmmmmmmmmmm am i a parasite on the rym list community by making best-of-the-year lists?? even worse, best of the year lists with like 100+ entries (or even worse god forbid. republishing two different lists within a few days of one another).....iread that listmaking 101 list and now im rly embarassed abt it....but im not stopping bc this website is kinda my sole outlet for this kidn of thing but i can only feel good abt it ifits welljustified as primarily useful for others as opposed to useful 4 me. i could and should just write in a journal and to be honest i actually have done this a bit recently. but i find that when i write withno sense that the writing will ever be read by another,i rly cant holdback from just completely dissolving the focus of the entry or the goalof reflection or whatever.theyre just greatly emotional and cathartic to write but not in anyway usefullyso . i use that kinda thing 4 when i feelthe need to actually rly feel and sit init for a while and it works for that but like...thats notpleasant and tbhnot productive rn. and i cant even bring myself to read what i write afterwards!!!it turns out that I am another who reads what i wrote , fancy that.it embarassesme and rlypaints unavoidably pitiable portraitsof me.this can be counteracted by imagining that another could read what ive written if i write carefullyneough.and nowhere is this easier to accomplish than on rateyourmusic, where thereis the definite sense thatwhat i write willbe read by another,but without the dynamicthat theyshould respond toit at all; barely comments on my writing on these lists and there's no like button for my words. theyre visible but i dont have to be coldly reminded ofthat fact. so here it is the writing. this is all nothing anyway . but thank you for reading it <3️

“And what then? For she felt that he was still looking at her, but that his look had changed. He wanted something—wanted the thing she always found it so difficult to give him; wanted her to tell him that she loved him. And that, no, she could not do. He found talking so much easier than she did. He could say things—she never could. So naturally it was always he that said the things, and then for some reason he would mind this suddenly, and would reproach her. A heartless woman he called her; she never told him that she loved him. But it was not so—it was not so. It was only that she never could say what she felt. Was there no crumb on his coat? Nothing she could do for him? Getting up, she stood at the window with the reddish-brown stocking in her hands, partly to turn away from him, partly because she remembered how beautiful it often is—the sea at night. But she knew that he had turned his head as she turned; he was watching her. She knew that he was thinking, You are more beautiful than ever. And she felt herself very beautiful. Will you not tell me just for once that you love me?…But she could not do it; she could not say it. Then, knowing that he was watching her, instead of saying anything she turned, holding her stocking, and looked at him. And as she looked at him she began to smile, for though she had not said a word, he knew, of course he knew, that she loved him. He could not deny it. And smiling she looked out of the window and said (thinking to herself, Nothing on earth can equal this happiness)—

‘Yes, you were right. It's going to be wet tomorrow. You won't be able to go.’ And she looked at him smiling. For she had triumphed again. She had not said it: yet he knew.”

(apr 15 2022)

apr 28

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unrelated writing this entry is the last partof updating this listandnow im gonna publish it and go gethot chocolate. i thinkim also gonna update music you should hear soon sinceive been getting lots of good stuffto put on it since over the last like month or maybe little more ive rlybeen listneing to soooo much more music that isn't jungle and also wasnt released this year which is exactly the kinda stuff thatlist needssss so that will happen too:)))

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thats def my favorite emote rn btw if u havent noticed.it has just a quality a drive an atmopshere a feelign to it.and shes got all three in the air at once i mean thats just impressive

ihad previously planned to limitmyself to 12 entries per update (25 entries per page of this list). but looking back over all the stuff from this year i rated since last update it is clear to me that it would be painful to leaveany of these off.so iexpanded the list to accomodate up to 24 entries per udpate (this update having22). however this required the updating of the previous updates to have placeholder entries added, in order to maintain the one-page-per-update structureof thislist that iwanted. so I did that; now there are extra special entries throughout :)))

"He is in the blue distance
He is getting nearer
She’s in the blue distance
She is getting so clear
I don’t know where they came from
I don’t know how we got here
I just turned my back
And suddenly you are here

Oh boy, sometimes it seems like
It takes forever
And then with your friends
It takes no effort at all
Oh it could be a past turn
Attachment illusion
That makes distance between me
Leading a double life

On the other hand
You know it takes some language
An agreement for the moment
Making dreams ring true
So with the resistance
Comes an angel’s assistance
Bringing you closer and closer
Leading a double life

She is in the blue distance
She’s a visiting wanderer
He’s in the blue distance
He’s a dream come true
Am I sleeping and waking
Or just turning over
A cellular wonder
Leading a double life
Leading a double life”

(sep 19 2019)

mar 27

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🤹‍♀️

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Mr downs actually passed away a few years ago. Hope heis resting lightly

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Instrument situatiok at thay school was wild like.i think basically the instruments were shared across the whole school district (two k-8 schools, two elementary schools, one middle school) whicu also only employed two band/choir directors to manage the concert bands choirs and marching band/colorguard (at the middle achool). The instruments were all in shit conditiok basically and mr downs made constant repairs.at one point he had worked on a bassoon for days for a friend of mine sam L. (There was five Sams in my grade) and then he finally had it ready and he was proudly LEANING on it in front of the class and it fucking broken in HALF.like right there in fromt of us.it was so fucked up lol

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I originally played baritonesaxophone bc at my elemntary/middle wchool u had to play an instrument in the concert band in 6th grade,and I wanted tonplay alto but I got there too late and all the loan altos were already taken and I was tall so the director mr downs gave me a baritone lol.i was like 10. Iwalkrd to &from school most days then and I used a dolly to transport it

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some of youprobably dont even know that i play the tenor saxophone. Isnt that messed up.i havent actually plyed it for like a year because im weakand frail and incapable.but a saxophonist I remain.actually nvm I uust reemembered I mentioned it in that review of Interpersonal Subjectivities and thatones on alight now soile probably everybody’s lookedat it…

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im watching lots of rock climbing videosfor someteasom youtube thinks I need to. And youtube is right bc theyre rly cool.tbh its making me wish I could go out and donit but tbh there are many lower rungs on the “doingthings while other peoppe are nearby” ladder for meto surpass b4 that one

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if thislist ever does make it back to them thenthey should know that whileits true that I was younger and different and not assessing things thateffrctively in general, it is also true that they wrre a huge prick to ppl I care/d for.so lioe maybe we can both admit of this:))) and I genuinely hqve no hard feelings I mean I bet both pf us have become so different at this point that the story is rendered essentially meaningless to the present situation so.its just fodder for my Placeholders now

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(one of the platofrms I blocked them on was rym which is why its particularly quirky;;altho I dont think they were actualy active on here anymore when iblocked them Anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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ok so.there was a person I met/got to know on Music facebook and we wrre chattimg from Time to time they seemed cool.and fast forward like a year and i just so hapen to b heading to LA for a few days to seesome Friends at ucla & the claremont colleges. And they also live in LA so we were like oya I could go visit thema bit the day I arrived; that day happened to be 4/20 and they knew I hadnever gotten high so they wrre ok ill Smoke u out.and I was ok thats cool ya (bc I was DYING to get high lol).but like Important context also this person was generally p like.Opinionated abt music online lol in a rly confrontational and dramatic way.and then after we made this plan like int he week interim they randomly got fixated on my other good internet friend and just like.were houdning them everywhereand being incredibly Cruel and tagging them In shit and just like.why. (and also this was purey Motivated by my other friend being a big fan of frank ocean’s blond like literally nothing else which is just.) but lile I couldnt just cancet his 3 days oit and give the readon “u said mean things to other ppl” like what if they said mean things to me you know (im not perfect). So I justwrnt alpmg w it but I was def feelimt a lot less comfortable around this person. and iwent and I saw them and we ended up at their family’s home w a coupel of their friends; will not say too mucu but like.turns out this family is VERY wealthy.so that atmosphere is going on and then we retire to the professional 3-room recordings studio (!)and I hit a bong unskillfully.and then surprise!!!! The other three of them r all dropping acid tonight.and then thisperson puts on Inland Empire (ihad never seen a lynch project b4). So like thag night was INTENSE mani just rly remember flashes of the rabbit scemes and like this person going yo have sex with one of theirguests in another room or someshit idek.and then I left in the morning and straight up after that didnot speak to themagaina nd eventuallyblocked them everywhere whenicouldny stand theirposts amd actions towards ppl anylonger.and that was the first time:)))

heres whats up; ive been genre banned on thsi site man!!! apparently i voted for "cosmic horror" on Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties at some point (probably 2+ years ago at this point) and it finally caught up with me :((( so i'll you feb 2023 (lol) when they let me back in!!!

also I read the waves recently that was very large. and so on andsoforth everything etc

• "your classes are OK, but your grades are awful.
• YOU START FANTASIZING ABOUT GUYS YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT USUALLY ATTRACTED TO.
• YOU’VE STARTED USING SEXUAL EMOJIS ON THE REGULAR.
• You have trouble starting your car in the morning
• Your mom says, "You think you're funny?" as a testament to how not funny you are, but also how much trouble you're in
• Springs, seeps or saturated ground in areas that are not usually wetlands
• Your boss and coworkers become distant
• Your fantasies (sexual or otherwise) involve bathing in a tub of melted brie cheese
• You have an opinion on fabric softener.
• Your intuition is alerting you to a nearby reptilian
• You are too big for the school bus
• You’ve lost interest in friendly animals
• Mom and Dad find occasions once or twice a year to shower you with gifts, so you won't feel so bad about being abandoned by your real parents.
• Depleting financial resources without any seemingly good reason
• you find yourself bubbling from an internal cauldron of ancient natural healing wisdom
• Audiences want to watch you.
• You read solely classics or Postmodern works
• Your could happily eat cheese on a french baguette with a selection of chutneys for every meal for the rest of your life.
• The thought of oozy, hot, melty cheese in and around your mouth does something to you
• You've eaten an entire baked camembert by yourself and you're not even mad about it.
• you feel that your dad doesn’t actually know the real you
• You have a hole in your shoe. The hole could be in the upper mesh or the side of the shoe, and no one wants to see your toes. Sure, breathability is an important feature for footwear – but a shoe with a hole is no longer useful.
• training your voice into something that sounds unnatural and actorly, as William Shatner did when he was younger
• Your boyfriend or husband doesn’t care about your dreams
• Your parents They Fail To Provide You With Affirmation And Security
• You find yourself lying just for the fun of it
• Not knowing any songs in the top 10
• You start planning for the future
• You’ve lost that loving feeling.
• Remember that passion you had for a dream at the very beginning? Does it still exist?
• Your therapist encourages you to blame everyone for your issues
• Oily skin and dull hair
• Your husband is suddenly passionate about new interests
• People are constantly telling you that you’re “not like other millennials.
• You have a keen eye for pointing out flaws in people/things around you.”

(mar 13 2019)

mar 2

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omg actually it would be so wuirky to tell the first time I Smoked weed story on tbis platform lol ill do that for #13

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LOL and then actually when we got to davids they pulled into a spot and just immediately pulled out another joint were like “wanna smoke this”. And I was lile “no im ok” and Then said goodbye and I havent seen them since.kinda fucked up they really wrre extremely coop and ncie 2 me always I should reach oit soemtime (will never do this)

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oya another thing witu that particular person I saw again years later was we got rly high together andthis was before I was so incredible used to weed as I am now so I waslioe gejuinrlu very stoned and completely assumed they were as well;but then they were like oh I can drive u back to davids and I was like ummmm and theygot in and I got in and they just started fucking driving and at the time.iwas freeeeaking out man…it was pure terror icouldnove or speak.and like in retrospect they prob wrre just not that high

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and unitarian churches r weird man or at least this one was.was rly odd mix of ppl and ages.there were lots of ironic anti-trinitarianism jokes in services i seem To remember esp when we had this rly good minister who actually like.had a midlife crisis and left her family and the church randomly and live in florida now and like!!! NGL the church badically basnt recovered in terms of membership since then lol its on the decline. Also there was a cohort of ppl myage thete that I hung out w abunch growing up esp through like ages 13-17 which was as im sure anyone who’s actually readimg these placehopdrts knows is a profoundly hard time.those friendships were always litte weird like ppl who rarely seem to rise to ur attention just r part pf different worlds when ur apart but when usee them on occasion.u just feelrlyrly connected.&i remember at one point seeingone of them a few years onafter we’dboth Changed a lot and thatwas just rly sososososo intense idk. Idek why il Writing this down……im so bored Man

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we also had a choir director for a lomg time (As well as a few members of the church) who would always simg rly loud upper harmonies. Was rly rly quirky

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the church iwent to /later worked at throughout my childhood&adolescence was a little unitarian univeralist church on the peninsula and it was a strange environment but it was nice in a lot of ways and for christmas eve services there was a tradition where they would pass out these litte colored cards as you entered the sanctuary.and each had 6 of the days from the twelve days of christmas printed on it.and then later in the serhice we would sing the somg,except that you were only supposed to sing the limes on your card,and sit back down during other lines.so everybody was constantly jumping up and down all over theocmgregation and generally getting sore and being confused.but FIVEEEE GOLDEN RIIIIINGS was always printed on every singpe card.so in that moment thete would be perfect unity

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I have at least six. But Really isnt it messed up they tell us five when its so many more. Like close ur eyes and touch ur ear.how did u kno where it was.thats a sense but what do u even call that.theresooooo many

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in both senses

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I love you

this time the notes go at the bottom. sorry nothing too complicatedthis time round..... but im also listing all the other releases i heard :)))) and the date goes allllll the way at the bottom too. and ummmm i'll add random old notes copied from my phone for each update here:

"7/23 AM Pigs in a Blanket
7/25 AM Gumption
Unknown Noodle
Chicken"

(jul 26 2019)

feb 6